2011

A few years ago, an old friend randomly IMed me to apologize, out of the blue. He said sorry if he ever upset me or hurt me and to say that we should start over as friends. I had to read his IM several times and after a few minutes of head-scratching and pondering, I finally asked him. “Um…Sorry but, did you do anything to me?” I really had no idea what he was talking about. Though we haven’t spoken in years, he remained in my thoughts as a fond, old-time friend. He replied, saying that since it was a new year, he wanted to make amends- however big or small the wounds may be.

Now everytime a new year looms around the corner, I think about that friend and his IM. Do I have anyone in my life- however big or small their presence may be- that I need to reach out to? Do I have any unresolved, unpatched things- however big or small the beef may be- that I need to fix? Do I have any amends to make?

The answer to these questions is always a Yes. There always was a person with whom I needed to make amends. Some people are left as big, gaping wounds. Some people, as old, crusty scabs. Some people, fading scars. Nevertheless, all people whom I could manage to bandage up and heal.

But I could never cough up the courage or the audacity to address them. Sometimes, it feels pointless. Sometimes, my pride gets in the way.

I won’t name the cliched list of resolutions for the new year this year. I just want to be able to put my guard down, leave my pride behind and gain courage.

If I believe that God reveals all, justifies all, shows all in the end, does that make me a coward? Am I just using God as an excuse for all my fears and insecurities? Isn’t that what God wants? To rely on Him? But why does this make me feel like I’m running away……….

the last summer of you & me

Let me love you, but don’t love me back. Do love me and let me hate you for a while. Let me feel like I have some control, because I know I never do.

/

What it is about being home that makes me feel pangs of unexpected lonliness? I have my entire family and they fuss & fret over me, feed me, gush over my mere presence and usually, won’t leave me alone. But after all of that, I feel this deep hollow hole. And I feel like I have no one but myself. Isn’t it so funny? How ironic. Feeling the most alone when I have all the people who love me within the same capacity.

Have you ever felt this way? When you hear a song, watch a movie or read a book from the past, it makes you sad. Not because the actual content is sad but because it is from the past.

Sometimes I get sad because the sky is too blue and the sun is too bright.

thirtynine

is the number of hours that I have gone without a wink of sleep over the past two days. And I was sitting at Shaw dining hall, enjoying my breakfast, mentally patting myself on the back for breaking night and accomplishing something big when I realized- this was probably, most likely, my last breakfast meal in a dining hall in my college career. Seems like a few yesterdays when I trudged down in my pjs, face framed with thick black glasses with unruly, permed hair in a messy bun, with my orange Syracuse University lanyard key swinging off my already downward hanging neck into the BBB dining hall for some fresh toast and cheesy omlettes after a night of unproductive studying and unrelentless gabbing with the Fab Five. Where, oh where has time gone?

As I sat down for my Last Breakfast, I vowed that I would take on a new meaning and mission to have the perfect breakfast meal that I could come up with. An omlette, home fried potatoes, an everything bagel with cream cheese, sausage links, cereal with soy milk, honeydew & canteloupes, passionfruit guava juice & a steaming cup of hazelnut coffee to finish. Too bad I’m not a freshman anymore where I could stay up till all sorts of wee hours of the night and still stomach myself to chow down however greasy and bountiful amounts of food without feeling queasy. 21 is still a definite prime of youth but now I’m on the brink of 22 and I’m feeling each year pound on another sign of aging as my body started to break down and fail to function in the middle of the 3rd bite of my omlette.

Now, I will never get to say that breakfast will be my motivation for pulling all-nighters. Maybe except for free pancakes day at IHOP if there is one, which I think there is. But I will have to prepare breakfast myself and that will be lame- probably just some milk and cereal and toast. No more broccoli cheddar mushroom onion omlettes. No more breakfast burritos. No more rows and rows of different kinds of cereal to chose from.

Therefore, mid-bite of my omlette, I decided to suck it up and play on for Team College Jenny for I will surely miss the exquistely mediocre, overpriced dining hall food, especially breakfast and I decided to savor each and every bite of what I had on my plate. As a result, I am home in bed, feeling bloated and sleepy but ironically, nauseatingly satisfied. It was a good Last Breakfast. I am content.

Please bear with the content of this post for I am sleep deprived and about to fall into a deathly coma of food and thus, have severely impaired judgment of what sounds sane and sensible. And after reading over this post, please excuse the annoying run-on sentences. Thank you. Good morning, good afternoon, good night!

Thank You

It was New Years not too long ago but instead of bursting with determination for resolutions and future promises, I find myself rewinding back to Thanksgiving mode and feeling very, very thankful toward a handful of people. I just want to take some time to thank those few. Due to the lack of readership in this blog, I don’t think it’s necessary to name any names. But if you are among the few that I am truly thankful to, I hope you know it’s you when you read it.

1. A few years ago… maybe we were freshmen and it was during winter break– it was the first time we’ve seen each other since we graduated from high school. We were in our PJs, snuggled in your bed, flipping through our senior year yearbook and just reminiscing & catching up. And then we turned off the light and didn’t stop talking until we heard your little sisters getting ready to go to school. That was my best memory I had with you. Thank you so much for everything over the past couple of years. Without you, life in Syracuse would’ve made me mentally ill, no joke! Thank you!
2. Whenever I’m with you, I laugh. It’s impossible not to. You are such a contagious person. Although it’s hard to admit, you are such an addicting person. Even when you’re not there, whenever a certain song comes on or a certain line is said on TV or a certain situation executes, I think of you and smile to myself. I admit, I’m not close enough to you to say this to your face. But in my heart, I was always thankful to you. When I was going through the darkest moments of my life, I could tell you tried extra hard to make me smile, to make me laugh, to keep me entertained, to keep me distracted. Laughter is the best medicine to anything. And you were my medicine. I always tell people that I think you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. Thank you!
3. When I think of you, a whirl of millions of emotions go through my heart, my mind and my soul. To  tell you the truth, a lot of those emotions aren’t such great ones. You’ve made me cry, you’ve made me sick with worry, you’ve made my heart pound so hard to the point where I thought I would die. But you’ve given me something that can’t ever be replaced. Thank you. Even though I hated you, I really loved you. Thank you. All the memories I will forever cherish. You gave me frowns. But you gave me smiles. The memories will never die. Thank you!
4. I showed my best to you. And I showed my worst. But even at those two opposite poles of myself, you stuck by me. Though we have grown apart now… though recently I secretly was angry at you… and disliked many of the things you did and said… I can’t forget all the things you’ve done for the past. Thank you. You always knew what to say to make me feel better. You always said the right things. Even though we aren’t speaking so much right now, I hope our friendship will never die. I remember during an exchange of many facebook messages, you said that you and I will always be forever. I’m not much for empty words and promises but for some reason, I believe in it. Even if you don’t, I do… There are certain things that only certain types of people can understand. You understand a part of me that most people don’t. And it will always be that way because we were raised that way. If you ever come across this, I really hope you know I’m talking about you! My personal sandbag lol… Thank you!
5. You may not know what you do, but you do it so well. You’re the only person that people mistake as my lover because I always smile and laugh like an idiot when I read your texts. Haha. You and I have a connection- a rare one at that! We share so many interests and similarities, it’s impossible to be bored with you around. You’re one of the few where I can just 툭털어 and tell you what I really felt. Thank you!
6. There was one night after an intense night of beer pong (and when I was being really weaksauce for like a whole month) and I passed out right away when you were cooking some ramyun. I was half asleep/half awake and I remember vaguely someone asked you a pretty uncomfortable question about another person. And when I heard your answer, I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have a friend like you. You stuck up for me, you defended me and you stayed with me. You didn’t have to…! I would’ve been fine if you didn’t… Thank you for teaching me what it means to have 의리. There were so many times when you were there for me, sometimes kind of backstage, very subtly when I didn’t know what to do or say. 진짜 너때문에 힘많이 생겨! Thank you!

Coffee…

As I am re-finishing the last episode of the kdrama Coffee Prince, I once again realize for the umpteenth time that I am truly a hopeless romantic. Let me clarify. I just watched the whole entire Coffee Prince series in two days. That’s 17 unadulterated coffee-mocha-latte filled hours of this drama. 17 hours out of the 48 and let’s subtract say… 24 hours of sleep (12 hours a night… Yea I think that’s about right. Hey, winter=hibernation right?) then that gives me 17 out of 24 hours. Wow. And you know what, I loved every single second of those 17 hours. Watching it for the second time after two years was a better experience for me. As I’m watching, it kept reoccurring how much I’ve changed since the last time I watched this. When I first watched it, I didn’t laugh at those certain parts. Or that particular line didn’t stick out to me last time. And that one scene wasn’t exactly relatable in the past. However, one thing that stayed the same was my appreciation for the fine representation of the hotness of the male species aka the lead male character aka GONGYOO. He is one fine masterpiece of the human form.

Just saying how much I’m enjoying winter break so far. Especially since finals were such a bitch. But in one way, I’m sad because I won’t be able to complain about busting my ass or pulling allnighters in a short while… One more semester left?! Craziness doesn’t even begin to describe.

If I watch this drama again in another two years, would I realize different things too?

uh whoo hoo~

(Since it IS winter break, clearly I’m utilizing my time watching TV and such so… I feel an entry coming up about another TV obsession that I started lately… VAMPIRE DIARIES. Grin.)

The Best Breakup Songs

This topic is slightly on the emo side but since I have been thinking about this for a while, I’ll share some of what I think are the best pre/post/mid-breakup songs.

Death Cab For Cutie – The Ice Is Getting Thinner
This song uses a very simple metaphor–comparing love to the four seasons. It’s been done by many others, many times. But what makes this song so sad is the fact that it’s not about a blow-out, ‘I hate you you cheating bastard get out of my life’ kind of breakup. It’s a thinning, waning love that the two people are just waiting to fizzle out. Waiting for their feelings to die. It’s like watching a terminal patient die. There’s nothing you or the doctors can do. And all that’s left is just waiting and watching the patient grow weaker and gaunter each day until the final moment when he/she stops breathing. It’s that feeling of a mellow hopelessness that you know is going to take a long time to disappear.

We’re not the same, dear
As we used to be
The seasons have changed
And so have we
And there was little we could say
And even less that we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner
Under me and you

Maroon 5 – Better That We Break
Though two people may both be sad about breaking up, clearly, there’s an obvious difference with being the dumper and the dumpee. Even if the dumper is sad to break up with you, you know it’s harder for the person who got dumped. This song is just about how it sucks to be the dumpee– about how hard it is to hear the words “maybe we’re better off this way. maybe it’s better that we break…”

I never knew perfection till
I heard you speak and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking is hard to do
Sleeping’s impossible too
And everything’s reminding me of you, what can I do?

Kanye West – Coldest Winter
Clearly,808s&Heartbreak is Kanye’s therapeutic representation of his broken heart with his mother passing away and his broken engagement. Again, this song uses the season metaphor. Goes to show you how depressing winter really is.

On lonely nights I start to fade
Her love’s a thousand miles away

It’s four a.m. and  I can’t sleep
Her love is all that I can see

If spring can take the snow away
Can it melt away all our mistakes?

Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend
I won’t ever love again, never again

The Veronicas – Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)
There’s more of an angry vibe in this song. Well, it is about a cheating boyfriend after all. But I love how this song builds up slowly and blasts its climax– it matches so well with the singer’s voice. If you could portray yelling in a song, this song does it. The singer used to date Ryan Cabrera just before he dumped her for Ashlee Simpson. Hmmm…

Are you even listening when I talk to you?
Do you even care what I’m going through?
Your eyes stare and they’re staring right through me
You’re right there but it’s like you never knew me

Do you even know how much it hurt,
That you gave up on me to be with her?
Revenge is sweeter than you ever were

Noblesse ft. Lyn – I Don’t Like The Music Anymore (음악이 싫어졌어)
I love Noblesse songs, especially on rainy days. Sets the gloomy mood for me. I love his rapping style and his voice. It goes so well with the genre of his music. So this song is about how he can’t stop listening to the song that reminds him of his loved one, especially in the month of December, which is when she left him.

듣지마
듣지마
듣지 말라고
난 나를 설득하지만
내의와는 다르게 자꾸
12월이 되면 그 노래를 듣곤 해
듣고 나면 나도 모르게 자꾸 후회하게 되

Keyshia Cole – Fallin Out
There’s nothing more despondent and heart wrenching than falling out of love. Just how the opposite of love isn’t hatred, but indifference. When everything used to be perfect but when things slowly start to fall apart.

Been sittin’ thinkin’
Bout you and I and
Wonderin’ why we’re not getting along
So frustrated cuz, what we had was a happy home
I don’t know what the situation is
But I can tell in the way we kiss
We don’t talk no more
It feels better when I’m alone

John Mayer – Dreaming With A Broken Heart
This song blows my mind every time I listen to it. I think if you’ve never experienced this feeling, you wouldn’t really appreciate this song as much. When you’re hurt, even if its something other than love, the hardest part is going to sleep and waking up. Other times you have distractions and other things you do to take your mind off of things. But when you’re going to sleep, you usually think. And you think about the things that concern you the most. And waking up thinking, here’s another day of non-resolved issues, another day of trying to cope with a broken heart, really isn’t much of a picker-upper.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….

Damn!

g.o.d. – 보통날
This song’s undertone doesn’t really have much sadness. But this song makes me so sad because of the emptiness of it all. It’s about how everyday is just an ordinary day now that you’ve gotten over that one person. It’s a different kind of sad. Sure, it’s sad when you’re in the middle of trying to get over that person. But it’s also sad in a different way, when you know you’re completely over that person. It’s like you used to care so much and it hurt you so much. But now it’s nothing. It’s the emptiness.

어떡하죠 나 그대를 잊고 살아요
미안해요 나 벌써 괜찮은가 봐요
잊지 못할 사랑이라 생각했었는데
잊혀져 가네요 어느새

아무렇지 않은 듯이
마치 사랑한 적이 없는 듯이
보통 날이네요 어느새

Barbara Streisand & Neil Diamond – You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore
Yay for oldschool classics! Again, another song about love that has cooled. I’m sensing a pattern here– I guess I find cooled love extremely sad. It’s just the helplessness and hopelessness of the situation. There’s nothing you really can do about it. It’s not like you hate the person. But it’s not like you loved him/her the same way as the past. So sad…

You don’t bring me flowers
You don’t sing me love songs

You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come thru the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn’t wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after lovin’ me late at night…

When it’s good for you
And you’re feelin’ alright

…Well you just roll over
And turn out the light
And you don’t bring me flowers anymore
It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But “used to be’s” don’t count anymore
They just lay on the floor
‘Til we sweep them away

Hope this post didn’t make you too sad. And maybe if you’re going through a breakup, try listening to these songs. It’ll hit you like a hammer. That’s all I have for now! Thanks for reading

dna

it’s so scary how i just sit there sometimes and suddenly realize
that i’m exactly like my dad.

his extremities. his opposite poles.
being either tipping over the boiling point angry.
or the sweetest, closest-to-an angel can get, nice.

in either case, saying the most extreme words of each side.

either a “fuck you, get the fuck out of my face.”
or a “i love you more than anything, even my own life.”

not… a really good trait to inherit. at all.
clearly, makes other people think you are a lunatic.
but worse, you start questioning your own sanity because of this psychopathic behavior.

좋을땐 너무 급흥분되서 오바하고
싫은땐 남에게 너무 심한 상처를주고…

maybe i’ll work on that as my resolution.
siGH

다시한번 Let’s Go!

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다시한번 let’s go!

<3